Joy in the Midst of Pain

It has been 7 months since my second son committed suicide. My world was completely rocked and the foundations of my faith, my hope and my future were truly tested. When something like this happens it truly test everything you have thought you believed about God, people and yourself.

There were certain events that happened in my life many years before this that I am convinced help prepare me emotionally, mentally and spiritually for this devastating event that I will share in a different post. The first couple of days were just a fog as we tried to piece together the sudden loss of a child. During the next few days, as we planned for the funeral and began the process of how to cope with all of this, I had to make the personal decision of my attitude, mental state, whatever you want to call it. I know, that as a Christian, I am called to be joyful - always. On the surface that sounds pretty easy, but in a moment like this, that concept takes on a whole new challenge.

"What is joy?" This was the question I was faced with. I remember sitting there one night, unable to sleep again, and I wrestled with this question for hours. I thought of all the stories in the bible of the followers who suffered and even gave their lives for their belief and yet, they were still joyful. I thought of Job, who lost everything; businesses, family and health, yet he too, remained joyful. I came to the conclusion that joy is a mindset. It is a decision to trust in a loving God even when there is pain and suffering in my life.

I heard a great quote from Steve Maraboli regarding this, here it is.

"Incredible changes happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over, instead of craving control over what you don't."

I have control over how I respond, act and treat others. I cannot change what happened or bring him back. I can live my life in a beautiful state that will benefit others and myself. I am not saying I do not grieve - quite the contrary. I grieve every single day. I find myself drifting off remembering the events that took place, wanting so badly to prevent his death. I grieve and miss my son. My son is gone. I have no control over that. I do have control on leaning on God, resting in His love and extending that love to others.

Joy is not happiness. Joy is a state of mind regardless of the circumstances. It is being grateful for what I do have; a loving God, a wonderful family, an incredible work family who has supported me through this and my own life to live and glorify God with.